Why Men are Scared of Marriage

The Shift in Perspective

I got engaged this past weekend.

If I had told my younger self that, he would have called me the biggest idiot in the world.

For most of my late teens and 20s, I never believed in marriage. I thought it was a one-sided deal where the woman got everything, and the guy got screwed over if things didn’t work out.

I had relationships, but I never saw them progressing beyond just being boyfriend and girlfriend.

Until I had a serious talk with myself and asked: What is my actual problem with marriage?

I realized that my fear of getting married was conditioned by three things:

1. My home life

2. My past relationships

3. Social media

If you’re ready to hear the truth, let’s break down how we’ve been programmed to think marriage is a trap.

Social Media’s Role in Fear of Marriage

As a social media manager, I spend an unhealthy amount of time on apps like Instagram. My screen time is insane—but it also gives me insight into why certain content is pushed so hard.

The truth is, social media thrives on toxic, rage-bait content because it gets the most engagement. The more emotional a post makes you, the more likely you are to interact with it.

If you’re a guy scrolling through social media, chances are that most of the content you see about relationships is negative:

• Stories of toxic women

• Cheating scandals

• Men losing everything in divorce

• "Red pill" content pushing the idea that you should stay single and just focus on making money

Even though we know that this isn’t the reality of most relationships, it still leaves an impression. We start believing that relationships are risky because we see examples of failure every single day.

Social media conditions men to be scared of commitment because it constantly pushes the idea that trusting a woman leads to pain.

And there’s some truth to the idea that guys love harder—when we do fall, we fall hard, and breakups can be devastating.

So, we think: Why risk it?

On top of that, social media makes it easy to believe we have unlimited options. We can open an app and instantly see millions of potential partners. But this mindset is a trap.

Because if you find someone who truly elevates you, what good does it do to throw that away for the unknown?

Marriage—with the right person—isn’t a restriction. It’s an enhancement. Social media doesn’t show us that. Instead, it conditions us to be obsessed with ourselves, envious of others, and convinced that doing things alone is the best way.

This is where the best advice I ever received comes into play:

And right now, society is pushing individualism over community.

But ask yourself: Who benefits from that?

Because it’s not you.

We like the idea of being lone wolves, but we all acknowledge that a pack is stronger. Just something to think about when considering whether or not to settle down.

Coming from a Divorced Household

My parents divorced when I was in middle school. Most of my life, they haven’t been together.

That shaped my view of marriage. Divorce was my normal.

And statistically, that’s becoming normal for a lot of people. Divorce rates are high, and that creates a safety net mindset—if marriage doesn’t work out, I’ll just get a divorce.

But that lone wolf thinking doesn’t serve us in the long run.

We tell ourselves, My parents were divorced, and I turned out fine. But are we really fine? Or have we just accepted dysfunction as normal?

When I really thought about it, I saw the truth:

• It wasn’t easy for my mom to raise us without my dad.

• My dad never got as much time with us as he wanted.

• Divorce was never the goal—it was Plan B.

Marriage is Plan A for a reason.

It’s easier to build a life when you have a strong partner beside you.

If you come from a divorced household, take a step back and ask how that experience has shaped your views on relationships. Because for me, realizing that my past was influencing my fears was the first step to overcoming them.

How Past Relationships Shape Our Views on Marriage

If I’m being completely honest, your early relationships don’t count.

High school relationships? Early 20s relationships? Those aren’t real indicators of what marriage could be.

Your brain isn’t even fully developed until 25, so most of those relationships are just two people figuring out life together, not actual partnerships.

But the problem is that we carry those experiences into adulthood and let them shape how we feel about marriage.

Dating someone at 19 and thinking that relationship is a preview of your future wife is insane.

When we’re young, we:

• Haven’t figured ourselves out yet

• Have external stress (school, jobs, identity crises)

• Don’t know how to prioritize long-term relationships

Yet we let these immature experiences dictate our adult decisions.

That was my mistake.

I thought all women were like the ones I dated when I was younger. And that was:

A) Unfair to other women B) Unfair to my exes—because they, too, have grown and evolved

When I met someone who was emotionally stable and available, I realized how different a healthy relationship felt.

I saw how much easier life was when you have the right teammate.

Marriage Isn’t a Trap—It’s a Strength

I used to believe that marriage was a trap.

I thought that committing to one person meant losing my freedom and opening myself up to potential pain.

But I was wrong.

Marriage—with the right person—doesn’t take away your freedom. It gives you more.

Because life is A LOT HARDER ALONE than it is with someone who:

• Shares your struggles

• Wants the best for you

• Supports you emotionally, financially, and mentally

My younger self might think I’m an idiot for getting engaged.

But I’m smarter than him now.